Anger

Today I was reading some of my work through out the year and I realised that I only write well when I'm angry. That's the only time I seem to think clearly enough I can write down my stream of thought. My word and sentences flow better and for some reason I use better vocabulary.

I feel like that's some sort of curse. Why do I have to be angry to write well? I don't like to be angry but I love to write my emotions down on paper. So why can I only accurately depict my thoughts when I want to punch someone or destroy the planet.

Time

Time is such a weird thing when you stop and think about it. When you can't wait for something time goes by way slower than imaginable, but when you dread something with all your heart, body, and sole time speeds up to unimaginable rates. And everyday example is the microwave. As you wait for your delicious food time seems to stand still. My dad always says microwave minutes are always the longest minutes. Another everyday example for us teenagers is tests. The APs just happened and I'm sure this last month has been the fastest month ever. Even though time is not actually changeable it feels like its always different. In reality a day is made up of 24 hours, an hour is made up of 60 minutes and a minute is made up of 60 seconds. These things don't actually change just our perspective of them changes. Time always feels against us. Or at least that's what it feels like. Graduation is in 13 days. That's less than a week now time seems to zoom around us as we prepare to become official adults.

Foodaholic

I have an addiction...to food! I love to eat! I love the feeling of a full stomach. I eat my feelings. By feelings I mean every emotion I have. Happy, sad, angry, and terrified. I just eat. Yet somehow I'm not fat. Even when I finish a full meal, I'm still hungry. My friends say I must have an inner fat man or a black hole of a stomach. The best is when my mom asks if I have a tapeworm (to clarify I don't). My favorite thing to eat is junk food and candy. Sugar is the addiction in the addiction. Like the nicotine of a cigarette. I mean without the rest of the chemicals in it it would be weird to have but when add them its amazing.

This Should Never Happen To Anyone

Tonight as I scrolled through Facebook to find some sort of inspiration I found it in the worse place. I scrolled and scrolled looking through pictures and statuses when I came upon a status from an old friend. We had both worked as kidco leaders a couple of years ago and we grew some what close over the time. A couple weeks ago she posted about her water breaking and told of her beautiful baby boy. I grew so excited and happy for her. She was a vet, married, and now had a baby. Things she told me many times she had wanted. But tonight as I scrolled I found terrible news. She had lost her baby today. Even though I haven't seen her or talked to her in a while I called her to make sure she was ok even though I know she will probably never be the same happy Melinda I just wanted to make sure someone was taking care of her. Sometimes that's all you need is a phone call. To know that someone cares and when Melinda picked up the phone we both cried together. After about 30 minutes of this and me just repeating "its ok" and "he's with God now" her husband took the phone and talked to me. He thanked me because today I was the only person to call and make sure she was ok. Everyone else had posted on Facebook small apologies. No one had bothered to pick up the phone. Then I did something that surprised him more. I asked him if he was ok. I just don't understand how these small jesters can be so overlooked. I don't understand why people can't try a little harder to care. The things I did tonight shouldn't have surprised anyone they should be normal signs of respect and caring. Yet I some how surprised him twice. People need to care. If everyone cared just a little more the world would be that much better. No mother should have to suffer the loss of her child much less suffer it alone.

Inspiration

If you haven't heard of Shane Koyczan then you need to do some research. Mrs. McGee actually showed us one of his poem recitations in class last quarter and I was so inspired that I wanted to hear it again and read more of his work. So I did. I found out he actually did an entire project to help fight bullying. This was inspiration. After reading this I searched further and found his website. I realized he and I are actually very similar in background. He came from a broken family and used it to his best to help other people. He states in one of his poems that "kids are cruel" is no excuse for bullying. I agree with this more than anything. Being a victim of a bully is no walk in the park and has forever changed me. "To This Day" I can't listen to Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer because everytime I do it brings back memories of when I came home crying everyday, because a kid was cruel to me and made a parody of the song to torture me. Another poet I found very inspiring on my quest to research Mr. Koyczan was Jeanann Verlee. She also comes from a hard life but made the most of it. Her work is full of emotion and I think that sharing those emotions to the public is a huge act of courage. That in itself is inspiring. I fully encourage anyone interested to check them out. Also, what has been ruined for you because of bullying? For me a childhood song and for Mr. Koyczan porkchops. But surely we aren't alone.

Shane Koyczan
Jeanann Verlee

Prom

I feel like I am one of the few girls in my class that really doesn't care about prom. I don't know what it is but I don't care. Is that bad? Every other girl I talk to is always talking about their dress and their hair, but I don't care. I honestly don't want to go. Everyone is telling me I have to go and I should have fun while I can. But what if my version of fun isn't showing my embarrassing dance moves in a place full of sweaty people I don't know? I would rather just sit and watch Disney movies with my friends and eat junk food until we burst. Staying up all night and keeping up the parents with bursts of laughter. Why do I have to spend all that money on a dress, makeup, shoes, and hair style that will last one night? I just don't understand. Am I weird? I have only one reason to go and her name is Ashley. I hope no one takes this offensively but really she my only reason to go. I don't like getting dressed up, I don't like dancing in front of people, and I don't want to go to prom. If you want to go to prom then by all means go and have fun. Its just not for me. 

What I have to say

What I have to say is...
After hours and hours of trying and failing I finally got an ok address. I now hate technology and the idea that it improves my life. How many times did I sit at a computer and try address idea after address idea? I don't even want to know. Now moving on to what I really want to say.

I have so many things I don't even know where to start.

Dear biological mother,
I am done. I just want her to leave me alone. That's all I'm asking. Every time you try it just makes life harder for me. So stop.

Dear Dad,
You need to choose. Me or her. I'm tired of you picking her side even when its wrong. Well I guess that means you've made your decision. I have only ever wanted on thing from you and that's for you to be proud but no matter what I do its less than satisfactory. Also Savannah is not an angel. She's been arrested twice and yet you still think she's perfect.

Dear Mom,
Please stop trying to control me. I'm so close to being an adult what more is there to control. I'm old enough to have a job, pay taxes, and take care of myself. I would appreciate it if you would let me do my own thing. I understand I'm your oldest but still. If I don't clean my room, you take my tablet away. I'm not 12 anymore. So just stop.

Dear Me,
No regrets!!! Live and let live! Let it go! Speak your mind and be yourself.

Dear Society,
STOP JUDGING ME!!!!